21st Century Man on…Choosing a Place to Live

Figuring out where to establish a life for themselves and their families is one of the greatest challenges my clients face. Unfortunately, though it may seem like the easiest and most natural task in the world, they frequently fail miserably.

For one thing, the selection criteria most people use to find a place to live are either foolish or contrary to their own best interests. In fact, they’re frequently both. Following conventional wisdom, for example, most people tend to look for a reasonably priced house in a reasonably priced neighborhood in a reasonably priced town. They believe this makes them practical and sensible. In reality, it shows what boring losers they are. Places are not haphazardly expensive. There is a direct correlation between expenses and desirability. The reason you can buy a mansion in Iowa for what it costs to share a one room studio in San Diego is because the only things to do in Iowa are eat corn, cruise the Wal-Mart, fist fight and sodomize livestock.

Another common, misguided reason why people live where they do is so they can be close to family. While this may seem noble and honorable in the abstract, in practice, few things in life get on people’s nerves more than their own families. Even if your bizarre family all gets along magnificently, you only get one trip through life, so you’ve got to figure out if it’s worth suffering the indigenous hardships of your native land in order to be, say…an Eskimo mama’s boy.

(A fucking Eskimo! Can you imagine? It’s like…dude! Your fucking house is made of ice! Your diet consists of whatever raw fish you manage to hook through that little hole in the living room floor! You could go for a nice summer stroll and end up dying of hypothermia or getting mauled by a fucking yeti! Are your parents really that cool?!?)

For such an important decision, the correct answer is ironically much simpler than people often realize. In reality, only a tiny fraction of the earth is both inhabitable and desirable. For reference, the following map indicates where these areas are located within the continental U.S.:

The areas shaded in blue are the only places in the US that are actually desirable. The areas shaded in red are inhabitable, but not all that desirable. Nonetheless, if you can’t afford to live in the blue, you can still lead a worthwhile life in the red, as long as you have friends that live in a blue area and you visit these places frequently.

If you look closely, you’ll notice that certain portions of the map are not shaded at all. These areas are desolate wastelands and should be avoided at all cost. Though the reasons vary, each of these places lacks culture or economic opportunities or geographic diversity or something else that will lead to your eventual mental or emotional starvation.

If you find yourself living in a colorless location, try to migrate to an inhabitable region immediately. Sell all your things for whatever you can get for them and go. Even if you can’t sell your stuff. The stuff in the inhabitable areas is better anyway.

If, on the other hand, you find yourself living in a blue area, please send your address, phone number and best time to call to the 21st Century Manual immediately.