Expecting parents are a marketer’s dream, because they spend most of their time in a perpetual state of terror. You are uniquely susceptible to sales pitches that tout the safety or security of a given product when you are projectile shitting yourself over the prospect of impending parenthood. Perhaps for this reason, most of the dizzying and ever-expanding array of baby products are totally worthless or unnecessary. You really don’t need, for example, a baby monitor with night vision. It may be fun to put it in the babysitter’s room and see what happens, but your child can grow up safe and healthy without this device. Similarly, you really don’t need to spend as much on a crib mattress as you spent on your own bed. Your baby will weigh about as much as a hearty loaf of bread for most of the time it sleeps in its crib, so any mattress more elaborate and supportive than a throw pillow is really overkill.
Despite many attempts to knock it from its pedestal, the king of ridiculous babyware remains the Diaper Genie, the grand wizard of useless products. For the uninitiated, this thing is basically just a fancy trash can that you put shitty diapers into. That’s really all it is. If you didn’t know better, the name might have led you to assume this device is somehow supernatural. Unfortunately, this is only the case if you’re the kind of person who would find a magic lamp, rub the side, score three wishes and then ask the resident genie for a way to store human feces in your house indefinitely.
Having a Diaper Genie in your house says one of two things about you. Either you were overenthusiastic the day you walked through the baby store, BING!ing all their cool shit with that little scanner thingee you used to register for the baby shower. Or it means that you’re comfortable living with poo.
When you find one of these contraptions in the house of a friend or neighbor, you can safely assume that excrement is a live-in guest at their home. For this reason, you should consider it more an act of kindness than a political statement if ever you find yourself surreptitiously bringing a few more guests to the party.
Happy crapping!
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But how else can we save Baby’s crap to show them when they later bring a date home?…Look honey, here is that corn you ate in your first solid meal…
Also on the mattresses, looking at price proportional to surface area, I’m pretty sure they work out to much more expensive than my actual bed.