21st Century Man on…Skin Season

Happy skin season, faithful readers. Cheers.

Though it doesn’t have an official opening date, skin season typically begins within a week or two of Memorial Day, provided you live in a temperate climate and your government isn’t completely corrupt, retarded and overrun by religious lunatics. It comes faster and harder to coastal areas, but as long as your town isn’t totally fucked up, skin season will eventually make its way to you. Year after year. *fist bump*

The season tends to start suddenly and unofficially while you’re focused on something else and minding your own business. Like when you’re getting snacks at the Wawa and some random ten walks through the door in a sleeveless belly shirt.

God………………………d a m n .

The toned thighs. The flat abs. The supple buttocks. Sheesus.

Looks like skin season snuck up on you again.

At that moment, as you find yourself standing there watching this smokin hot chick or that hunky young stud pay for gas, you are officially freed, mentally and otherwise, from another brutal winter of toil and cold and suffering and hardship and pain and struggle and all the rest of the fucking bullshit you’ve just suffered through. Welcome to summertime.

Holy            s h i z z . . . !

Please don’t pretend that you didn’t notice that. Of course you did. And not just because you’re a guy. Women note the opening of skin season, too–they just don’t need to announce it to everyone. In fact, they’ll often try to not notice, but they do, nonetheless. They can’t not notice. It is hardcoded into their wetware.

(We should admit aloud at this point, in the interests of full disclosure, that skin season is not a universal good. For one thing, with skin comes cellulite. This makes the season a mixed blessing in countries like mine that value the Chicken McNugget more than life itself. Also, if you live in a non-temperate climate and know nothing of snow or winter, skin season is pretty much year round. This will cause you to take it for granted, which is especially unfortunate since this is one of the only natural or economic advantages you have over your cooler climate peers.)

Lest you struggle with any moral dilemma or associated guilt, understand that it’s OK to celebrate the advent of this annual holiday season. Maintaining an appreciation for talented skin is actually good for you. It strengthens your heart and puts lead in your pencil. Furthermore, looking-and-not-touching is disrespectful to no one, and results in no one being taken advantage of. In fact, this time of year is literally good for us all. Think about it–if you looked that incredibly fucking goddamn hot naked, it would hurt your skin (literally injure it) to be confined for the duration of the long winter months in sweaters and pants and all the related nonsense. Fuck that. Skin like that is meant for sharing.

So we are obliged to clink our glasses together and thank you, random philanthropic stranger. Thanks, random mint hottie. Clearly, you’re aware of the fact that your outfit has rendered you mentally naked, and obviously you’re cool with that. And we’re totally cool with that, too. In fact, if you see no reason for clothing to cover even your primary genitalia, well…we don’t either. We’ll even give you a pass for not having the sense or the credit-worthiness to pay at the pump.