21st Century Man on…How to be Dispassionate

Certain things in life will pain you. There is, unfortunately, no getting around this unpleasant fact. You will take measures to reduce your own suffering, but eventually you must come to terms with the fact that some shit simply is, and you’re just gonna have to get over it. It’s not gonna go your way today, dude. Try again tomorrow.

Fortunately, there are strategies you can employ to avoid the complications that come with being passionate about things you have no control over.

First of all, you should probably set that drink down. Alcohol only complicates things. Every thing, actually. This proves out in the data time and time again. One drink leads to two, and two drinks eventually leads to random acts of senseless idiocy. This is why ‘drunk and disorderly’ are like the ‘chocolate and peanut butter’ of crime.

Secondly, you should attempt another fundamental, long-term change to your lifestyle. We all know that few things in life are more annoying than other people, but not everyone realizes that they could lower their blood pressure and otherwise dramatically reduce the ill effects of routine human interaction just by lowering their expectations of others. You’re all gonna fuck things up from time to time, so it’s worth learning how to cut people some slack. Try not to get overly upset with general buffoonery. It’s not this guy’s fault, for example, that he was born an idiot. If someone must be blamed, get mad at his drunken, irresponsible, semi-idiotic parents for encumbering the world with his helpless ass.

Besides…being brilliant is not necessarily the point of certain people.

One way to release yourself from the baggage of others is to understand that most people behave completely differently when they’re at work. You should keep the two thems mentally distinct, because sometimes your sweetest, nicest neighbor goes to work and becomes a miserable cockbag for eight hours or so to every person he comes in contact with. Try not to blame the actual flesh and blood him for how the cartoon version of him behaves at work. Don’t take shit personally and don’t get worked up over beefs the cartoon version of him may develop with the cartoon version of you.

Other tactics may also prove handy in your pursuit of indifference. For example, avoid listening to Led Zeppelin. Or AC/DC, the White Stripes or anything else that might trigger a frenzied air guitar shredfest. This behavior, while cathartic, is decidedly not dispassionate and is frequently considered inappropriate.

Another approach that seems stupid but proves effective more often than not is the adoption of a mantra. It may sound flaky as shit, but finding a simple credo to live by has helped many of my clients avoid the trappings of post-modern lunacy. Not just saying the words, but truly living the attitude. Something like:

‘Who cares?’

Seriously. Who does? Look at all these people………could any of them give the slightest fuck…? Of course not! So why do you? Why are you making it your problem? Almost everything in life will go on either way, dude. And as we’ve seen, not everyone needs to care. Not all the time, anyway. So, the next time you find your blood boiling and the passion stirring in your breast, just remember:

Who cares?
Who       cares…?
Who             cares……?
Who                   cares………?

Of course, little slogans and shit are cool and all, but no mantra ever uttered will help in the slightest once reason breaks down and chaos rules the day. At such times, the only weapon against despair and insanity is alcohol. In fact, the more shit pisses you off, the more you should probably drink. And quite likely do. There will be days that get so crazy that the only sensible thing left to do is to spend the night chugging beer through a funnel.

Fuck it. You’ve accomplished enough today. Try again tomorrow.